missing the war

I'm missing the war, all night.


If you've never been to a mental hospital, keep it that way. There is no place on earth where the bodies are more healthy but the minds are so burnt. So many people like you and me, people who are smart, intelligent, flawed, reasoning people who simply couldn't handle the weight of living.

I don't like being there. Sometimes I feel like I might belong with them, so I don't like being in the environment.

This whole ordeal is really taking its toll on my siblings. They're young, and they don't fully understanding the long term effects of gravity. Over time, things build and have to crash. If I never have to see tears like that again it'll be too soon.

Needless to say, I've got to remain focused on my own goals. Building my skills in this new job and prioritizing my ascent to leadership has got to stay at the forefront of my mind. After all, if I do my job well I'll be better able to look after my family the way they deserve to be looked after. No one's been able to do that, except my tired and stressed grandmother, who deserves a long break.

It seems like nobody hear learned how to take responsibility for their actions. People disappear from their duties- from their lives, people can't clean up their messes in their houses or their heads, people lie and expect pardon, people don't understand that the world spins madly on. I hope to be a sobering voice of reason in this crowd.

All that said, I'm very lonely. It would seem that someone like me, at this point in my life, would have no issue reaching out to others to help ease the gaping hole I feel having departed from the last five years so abruptly. I feel like I should have prepared myself better for all of this. Maybe I was/am too idealistic about it all. Maybe when you part, you actually do part. Maybe that chapter of my life is closed. Maybe the feeling of those experiences with those friends in those places has to die like everything else in the world. That's an awfully sad sentiment to hang on to, but I haven't felt the same. I miss my friends. I miss my people. I don't know that they can miss me the same, because they might all have already accepted the death of those times. I've never had anyone near me die. I don't know how to deal with the death of an ideal.

I'm no longer Prince Tigercat of NeverLand. I don't get to be the rich cartoon that I was before. Now, I'm actual.


So much time, so little to say.