these are just the rules and regulations of the birds and the bees.

Go Team Whitney!



I probably couldn't have chosen a gayer opener for a blog corresponding directly with the fact that I do not identify as a gay person. Whoops.



For a long time, I've felt a lot of pressure when it comes to identifying socially and ethnically with a trend or a caste. It's something that I've always had a hard time doing. When I was younger, I got good grades in elementary and middle school because my mother rewarded me for working hard, and after a little while, excellence became a habit. I skipped a grade, was marked a smart kid, but never engaged in smart kid behavior. I didn't want to be in clubs or societies that said to the whole world, "I'm an intelligent young man, look at me!" Even now, I don't identify with that nauseating brand of arrogant intelligentsia that feed us their obscure knowledge via facebook and myspace profiles, I certainly don't feel inclined to type up long emails and blogs asserting the validity of my political stances, and I don't feel obligated to let you know just how much I took from Lolita when I read it.... three summers ago.

It wasn't until my sophomore year of college that I even truly understand what it meant to identify as a black person in this country. Culturally speaking, I don't align with very much of what African-American society seems to convey. But after attending one of the rather random but required Martin Luther King day assemblies, I found that I was deeply moved by the speaker (his daughter, Bernice King) and by the dancing of this roots dance ensemble. I had never had a moment in my life when I identified with my race in this way- I'd never had such a moment of personal pride for those that came before me. Never had I connected in any way to those idealistic freedom fighters of the past- but I can recall being overwhelmed by tears, and leaving Ruby Diamond with a new understanding of cultural and racial pride. I'm proud to be Black, just as I'm proud to be Welsh, and proud to call myself a Puerto Rican. Blood or not, these are parts of my heritage, and they make up who I am in many ways.

I got into an accidental round table discussion the other night with several gay people who are my friends from the College of Music. We were, naturally, talking about different professors and classes and relaying stories about our experiences with both, when the conversation turned to whether or not anyone in the circle had "come out" to their parents. Now, whenever a talk like this arises, I steel myself for a ton of cliche discussion, and I prepare myself not to judge the choices and experience of the others in the discussion. I started to feel bothered when I realized how many people feel an absolute obligation to identify themselves to their family and friends as homosexual. There is, generally speaking, a consensus among members of the gay community that the last step in accepting who you are comes with telling as many people as you can just how proud you are to be gay. I find this to be a truly disturbing trend and feel no such obligation. I do not and never have had the desire to "come out", because I think that every part of that, down to the terminology, is limiting, restricting, and degrading. Let me parse that language down some.

From what or where does one "come out"? If this expression implies coming out of the fear inherent in hiding something about yourself, I'll accept it. But why should we have to come out of anything? Completely heterosexual people don't make all of their family aware on their 19th birthdays that they are solely interested in the opposite sex. My mother didn't 'come out' to her friends that she was left handed when she turned 20. My friends don't 'come out' to me about their color blindness or their allergies to certain foods. Why should I have to express to anyone my interest in those of the same sex - my lifestyle would hardly even reflect that about me. I mean no offense to those people who have felt it a part of their journey to come to terms with something they've been hiding or stifling- I respect their courage and don't mean to belittle that step in their lives. I do mean to say that it is not something that I personally have ever felt obligated to do, because I spent very little time hiding anything from anyone.

I speak so openly about this because I also feel like "coming out of the closet" then immediately associates you as a member of the 'gay community', whatever that entails. Any foray into said community leaves me feeling utterly hopeless and excommunicated. If I am in fact gay (it goes without saying that I hate that word because it excludes the possibility that you could be happy with someone of the opposite sex...), then I am a really unfortunate and failing gay person. I don't subscribe to any of the stereotypical inclusions and assumptions about gay life- I am not promiscuous, I'm not obsessed with fashion, I don't love Madonna, I don't consider myself overtly feminine and I absolutely could date someone who wasn't stunningly attractive. In GayLand, my 6'4", 220 lbs. frame is monstrous. Too tall, too fat, too brown. Every time I've ever been out to a club, or immersed myself in anyway with other gay people, I've found that I don't fit in, and because of this have no desire to be assimilated. So much of the past year I've spent worried about what I could do to get someone interested in me. For a year, I've been adjusting the way that I do things- the way that I dress, the way that I eat, the people that I hang out with- all in hopes of being more likable to a large chunk of people that infuriate me. I'm not going to do that anymore.

Because I'm a reasonable person, I understand that it isn't fair to slop these general disappointments and judgments of mine on the whole of the gay population. I realize that my current location and situation very much feed this feeling of mine, but I can only work with what I know. In this town, the ideal guy is about 5'8", 150 lbs., and looks like he's 14 years old. Of course, there are slight variations on this, but in general, these are the kinds of guys I'm competing with. In NO WORLD and no dimension will I ever be able to successfully compete with these guys. I've been trying for far too long- my only meaningful romantic relationship was destroyed because of one of these imprints of a person, and because of that I have pinpointed a deep rooted resentment for them all. It seems at every cross, it's their kind that are ruining my chances.

I am relevant and worthwhile regardless of the absolutely impossible standards set before me.

I know that I don't fit your ideal. I know that you were just placating me, and I know that YOU would never admit that you have no interest in me. All of you fucked with me, but I think I might be passed seeking validation from you people.

Having said all of this and then read through it, it all seems rather trite. Perhaps I could have kept a bit of my intrigue by keeping this to myself. Ah well. At least I say what I mean- a rapidly diminishing quality in most of my acquaintances...