outta heart

You'd think it'd be as simple as diagnosing the affliction, starting treatment, and seeing it through to healing repair.

This treatment, however, completely depends on the cooperation of others. And nobody is cooperating.

Case 1. I absolutely followed every proactive, worthwhile step through. Followed through in every way, as clearly and deliberately as I could. Nonetheless, it was futile, I ultimately embarrassed myself and am now working to alleviate the nauseating feeling that bubbles up whenever I think of the inevitable pity he must feel for me.

Case 2. Did everything one ought to do to incite a love riot, but to no avail. I'm competing with girls, guys, and statues. The odds are impossible, and am too tired to commit to the life of the thing, so I let it die before it's born.

I'm out of heart.

I do a fantastic job of surrounding myself with people who's biggest problem is that none of their conquests are "good enough" for them. I have, in most ways, lowered my standards to include any reasonably kind, breathing individual- I qualify them solely on the point that they actually like me. If I could have options, I wouldn't complain. But I don't. I haven't. I won't say, "I won't".(But I probably won't.)

I'm not allowed to show the way in which this all defeats me, because then I'm no fun. And my jokes, my humor and involvement, my constant coddling and showering of affection, my constant compliments and care, my unending conversation and commitment are pretty much all I'm good for to most people.

So naturally, it's my job to remember my place next time, and validate his/her quandary with an, "I'm sorry that wasn't good enough for you. You should probably go with option B."

This is so shitty. Everyone is so fucking shitty.